Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I'm dying to fall in love again..

Sigh..I know that the subject title sounded cheesy. I dont even need to have another headache in my life when my previous ex hasnt totally passed out of my system yet.

Curiously though, I feel this drive inside me to fall in love again. Thus, the weight loss strategies which started less than two weeks ago.

I figured, hell, if I wanted to be attractive enough to make people notice me, then I need to do something about this fat suit I have been donning for the past couple of months. It's so doing nothing to improve my life, or my wardrobe.

I miss hugging someone...is falling in love just an excuse to have sexual relations without guilt?

My friend Stef has sex with different partners. She claims she doesnt love them, and at least she doesnt get hurt should anything bad happen since she isnt attached to them.

I dont think I can do this, not because I am a sexually modest person (hello?read my previous postings) but I just would feel so goddamned awkward. Besides, I need to make sure that the person I am going to sleep with has no gigantic wart hidden somewhere in some orifice in his body. *barf*

My ex, though, has fallen back into the trap where I first tried to help him escape from. I guess you cant take the dog out of the dog. Or something like that.
I kinda miss him sometimes. No, I miss my self-esteem.

I made a poem, and I have given up on writing poems, for the lack of inspiration.
When I did find the inspiration, it wasnt a person, it was just this annoying thing that holds me back from opening up to people. I dont know why.

god what do you really have for me
coz life isnt being really good to me

i wanted this life but you gave me another
i wanted to be free but you made me his lover

i wanted to be married, settled down and stable
you slapped me in the face when you gave me this fable

i wanted so bad to be happy but all i feel right now is crappy
i wanted to be depressing but i come out downright sappy

i hate doing poems, because all i feel is pain
the things you brought into my life, i will never be the same.

I read Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes, the book seemed a lot like my life. The state of being jaded, except for the whole prostitution thing. The bondage, I think.

It doesnt have to be real bondage though, it's allowing pain to be bestowed upon you, and thinking that you deserve this pain because you deserve to be punished.

Ralf Hart, the 2nd protagonist in the book, told Maria (the main protagonist) that putting yourself through that will make you lose that light in your eyes..That sort of thing that attracts people to you because you have so much life not only as a human organism but as a whole entity.

I tried to find it the other day, but I couldnt find that light anymore.

I woke up today feeling restless. Maybe I am ready to have that light back in my eyes.

Wish me luck!


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