Thursday, November 09, 2006

William Wallace's descendants, bitch slap me please!


Okay so for less than a year I have been emotionally starved of love. I have been asking God to remind me what falling in love felt like.
So a couple of days ago He finally granted me my wish (ooh I bet he had to go through other peoples wishes before he could get to mine..oh well...I asked for it!)

I've been friends with my Scottish man since 2002. He's hot. Blessdly be, he finds me hot too. Without all that yellow fever "Miss Saigon" crap. Anyway it wasnt just about sex. It was never actually about sex...until a year ago. LOL.

"You are sunlight and I moon
Joined by the gods of fortune
Midnight and high noon
Sharing the sky
We have been blessed, you and I.."

So take that..we met in December 2001, and then I ditched him and our so-called online relationship from August 2002 to July 2004. I decided I really missed him and basically there was nobody that could do it for me like he does.

Do it to me one more time..once is never enough..for a man like you..
Pacify me one more time..I could never get enough of a man like youuu...whoooooaa..

Just lately I realized I just fell in love with his anglo-saxon good looks and those goddamn things that he tells make me feel better. God knows I hope he meant it.

11:37:40 AM scotchtape (@)(bah) (D)القرآن you know i jerk off to all your pictures
11/4/2006 11:37:54 AM scotchtape (@)(bah) (D)القرآن i would never jerk off to betty tho
11/4/2006 11:38:54 AM scotchtape (@)(bah) (D)القرآن resembling a person is different than looking like them
11/4/2006 11:44:35 AM scotchtape (@)(bah) (D)القرآن i already made up my mind a long time ago that you're the perfect female specimen for me
11/4/2006 11:46:03 AM scotchtape (@)(bah) (D)القرآن this uglybetty shit is just a reminder for me. i know you look way more attractive than she does
11/4/2006 11:53:32 AM scotchtape (@)(bah) (D)القرآن you're the only woman i've spoken to in years. every woman with long black hair reminds me of you
11/4/2006 12:02:46 PM scotchtape (@)(bah) (D)القرآن we both know you're a sexy bitch. i don't want you crying. it makes me feel horribly uncomfortable

Sigh..if he only meant it. A whole while ago he told me we dont need to see each other. As if the whole 7 continents away from each other wasnt bad enough. Damn it. Okay God, stop laughing now. You gave me someone who's like in a totally different planet. He's goddamned 7 continents way from me.

Distance between (My country) and Sydney, Nova Scotia, Canada, as the crow flies:
8249 miles (13275 km) (7168 nautical miles)
Initial heading from (My country) to Sydney:
north (0.9 degrees)
Initial heading from Sydney to (My country):
north (358.8 degrees)


I will miss my Scotsman. I made up my mind I cant allow our beautiful friendship to go to waste if we keep on seeing each other like this, swapping sexy pictures and sexy tales of lust and longing. You cant grow old with a beautiful dream, especially if he's already given up on it.

Dear God, my heart is breaking as I post this. I want to cry, but I have spent my tears already.

Oh well.

I cant do Highland dancing, seeing him wear a kilt, forced to cook his favorite pot roast, his favorite turkey with blackberry sauce, smell his cologne, kiss his lips, smell his hair and at least I dont have to adjust to another culture and environment.

:) I'm fine....

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

What a bullshit test!

The Foot Soldier

Achtung! You are 53% brainwashworthy, 40% antitolerant, and 47% blindly patriotic

You're not evil exactly, but you still would've joined the German army. Driven by STRONG patriotism and a willingness to do what your country asks, you would've thrown your moral reservations aside and stepped right up to the platz for the AXIS POWERS.

The sad fact is: while you're not self-centered, you are are an enthusiastic nationalist, malleable like so much half-dried glue, and ready to follow zee rules. Unfortunately, you're not cynical enough to tell when you're being manipulated. You probably have a violent itch that needs scratching anyhow, so why ask questions?

Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would've supported the Nazis militarily while turning a blind eye to their 'civilian' programs.

- new test, it rules, take it -
The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 83% on brainwashworthy
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 81% on antitolerant
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 84% on patriotic

Link: The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I'm dying to fall in love again..

Sigh..I know that the subject title sounded cheesy. I dont even need to have another headache in my life when my previous ex hasnt totally passed out of my system yet.

Curiously though, I feel this drive inside me to fall in love again. Thus, the weight loss strategies which started less than two weeks ago.

I figured, hell, if I wanted to be attractive enough to make people notice me, then I need to do something about this fat suit I have been donning for the past couple of months. It's so doing nothing to improve my life, or my wardrobe.

I miss hugging falling in love just an excuse to have sexual relations without guilt?

My friend Stef has sex with different partners. She claims she doesnt love them, and at least she doesnt get hurt should anything bad happen since she isnt attached to them.

I dont think I can do this, not because I am a sexually modest person (hello?read my previous postings) but I just would feel so goddamned awkward. Besides, I need to make sure that the person I am going to sleep with has no gigantic wart hidden somewhere in some orifice in his body. *barf*

My ex, though, has fallen back into the trap where I first tried to help him escape from. I guess you cant take the dog out of the dog. Or something like that.
I kinda miss him sometimes. No, I miss my self-esteem.

I made a poem, and I have given up on writing poems, for the lack of inspiration.
When I did find the inspiration, it wasnt a person, it was just this annoying thing that holds me back from opening up to people. I dont know why.

god what do you really have for me
coz life isnt being really good to me

i wanted this life but you gave me another
i wanted to be free but you made me his lover

i wanted to be married, settled down and stable
you slapped me in the face when you gave me this fable

i wanted so bad to be happy but all i feel right now is crappy
i wanted to be depressing but i come out downright sappy

i hate doing poems, because all i feel is pain
the things you brought into my life, i will never be the same.

I read Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes, the book seemed a lot like my life. The state of being jaded, except for the whole prostitution thing. The bondage, I think.

It doesnt have to be real bondage though, it's allowing pain to be bestowed upon you, and thinking that you deserve this pain because you deserve to be punished.

Ralf Hart, the 2nd protagonist in the book, told Maria (the main protagonist) that putting yourself through that will make you lose that light in your eyes..That sort of thing that attracts people to you because you have so much life not only as a human organism but as a whole entity.

I tried to find it the other day, but I couldnt find that light anymore.

I woke up today feeling restless. Maybe I am ready to have that light back in my eyes.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

American History X

I recently watched the movie (again, for the nth time) and I decided to take clips.
I am just gonna put one for now.

It is one of the most disturbing scenes in the movie. Derek Vinyard got raped in prison because he decided he wanted to be alone, and he lacked brotherly camaraderie.

More clips next time, gringo.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Am I lovely? Do you want me? I am hungry.

After mindlessly browsing around myspace, I came across a pretty picture of a girl whos e thigh was as wide as my neck! She still thinks shes fat though, which is pretty disturbing. She already developed what we could call "lanugo" or peach fuzz on her lower arms. It was pretty sick if you ask me. Im not a hypocrete, I myself have an eating disorder but I am not gonna let my arm hairs grow wet and wild for heaven's sake!

I dont think I would be happy if my thighs looked like these, but I like her arms and her waist. Her non-existent boobs: no commento, mr roboto.

Am I doing a bad thing for advocating anorexia on my blog? I dont know. Suddenly the thought hit me like a brick on a's my own goddamn blog, bitch!

Anorexics are known to wear several bracelets, it's like an underground handshake secret society thing for people with ED's (eating disorders).

The red "ana" bracelet reportedly signals anorexia. Some say it is a reminder to teens that they shouldn't eat.

Red bracelets represent anorexia, purple is for bulimia and black and blue is for self injury, such as cutting and self mutilation.

The nickname Ana is for anorexia and Mia is for bulimics.

Should I create an imaginary friend named Ana Mia to pop up like the ghost of Christmas past whenever I think of stuffing myself in a chinese restaurant?

Haha!:) Sounds like a good idea. I am sick and fucking tired of my crap body anyway, I am getting old too.

Several drawbacks from having could die or end up like Teri Schiavo (God bless her soul).

If you've been living under a rock for the past 2 years, heres a brief info:

Theresa Marie Schindler grew up in the Huntingdon Valley area of Lower Moreland Township, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, as the eldest of three children of Robert and Mary Schindler. Her younger siblings were Robert Jr. (Bobby) and Suzanne (now Suzanne Vitadamo). By her senior year in high school, Schiavo was overweight, with a height of 5 feet, 3 inches (160 cm) and a weight of around 200 pounds (90 kg). She went on a NutriSystem diet and lost about 55 pounds (25 kg).[2] She may have developed an eating disorder around this time.[3] In 1981, she graduated from Archbishop Wood Catholic High School.

On the morning of February 25, 1990, at approximately 5:30 a.m. EST, Schiavo collapsed in a hallway of their St. Petersburg apartment. Firefighters and paramedics arriving in response to Michael's 9-1-1 call found her face-down and unconscious. She was not breathing and had no pulse. They attempted to resuscitate her, she was defibrillated several times, and transported to the Humana Northside Hospital. There she was intubated, ventilated, and eventually given a tracheotomy, with a poor prognosis.

The cause of her cardiac arrest has never been determined. For a time, it was believed that her cardiac arrest had been caused by an imbalance of electrolytes in her blood. On admission to hospital, her serum potassium level was noted to be very low, at 2.0 mEq/L; the normal range for adults is 3.5–5.0 mEq/L. It was speculated that her low potassium level had in turn been caused by an eating disorder; her medical chart contained a note that "she apparently has been trying to keep her weight down with dieting by herself, drinking liquids most of the time during the day and drinking about 10–15 glasses of iced tea".



Schiavo, then 26, collapsed in her home in 1990 and experienced respiratory and cardiac arrest. She remained in a coma for ten weeks. Within three years, she was diagnosed as being in a persistent vegetative state (PVS).

Despite intervention by the other branches, the courts continued to hold that Schiavo was in a PVS, and would want to cease life support. Her feeding tube was removed a third and final time on March 18, 2005. She died thirteen days later at a Pinellas Park hospice on March 31, 2005, at the age of 41.

So thats that apparently. Tomorrow is another day..another challenge on how to lose the last 100 pounds. LOL.

FACT: A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years and only 30 – 40% ever fully recover

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Bible doesn't speak meaningfully to my suffering.

Deep unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

"The lack of self-esteem produces more symptoms of psychiatric disorders than any other factor yet identified."-Dr. James Dobson

* A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individual may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. ...

Midlife Crisis

'Midlife Crisis' is something that happens to many of us at some point during our lives (usually, at about 40, give or take 20 years).

Midlife Crisis is a natural process (first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung) and it is a normal part of 'maturing'. However, Midlife Crisis can sometimes feel very uncomfortable, and cause people to seek psychotherapy or counselling, or to make radical lifestyle changes that can be very damaging and are regretted later.

It can help to view Midlife Crisis from the perspective of differing personality types, as this will give you a greater understanding of what is happening.

If you are going through midlife crisis, you might experience a wide range of feelings, such as:

* Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years
* Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life
* Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different
* Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before
* Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.
These feelings at mid-life can occur naturally, or they can be brought on by external factors.

One external factor can be debt. The availability of credit has become easier in recent years, through credit cards and telephone/internet loans. This has made it easier to accumulate debt, and many people turn to debt consolidation or debt management services in order to find their way out of difficulty.

Another external factor can be a bereavement, such as the death of a parent - or other significant loss or change, such as redundancy or divorce. These things can cause significant grief which can be difficult enough to come to terms with on their own. But if they are compounded by the natural process of 'mid-life transition' this can make the whole process of adjustment bewildering and overwhelming.

However, even in the absence of difficult external circumstances, there is still an internal process of change that takes place during midlife. If you don't understand that process it can feel like a 'crisis' and as you attempt to come to terms with it, you may find yourself making poor or irrational decisions that you regret at a later date - eg: leaving your job or spouse and throwing away the security that you have built up in the first part of your adult life.